Captain Falcon has finally been executed for his crimes.
I got out of wrestling back in 2014, but that doesn’t stop me from hearing about it everyday thanks to some chuckleheads I know. Even still, I’ve been able to appreciate and respect most examples of The New Day’s personal brand of creative showmanship; it’s hard not to respect three men who would stomp out into the wrestling ring in full Dragon Ball Z Saiyan armor.
When it was announced Saturday night that Square Enix had bought up advertising for Wrestlemania 33 to showcase the upcoming Final Fantasy XIV expansion Stormblood, Twitter was a-flutter with ideas of what the hell could even happen. In hindsight, it should’ve been fairly obvious that, of course The New Day, who were hosting this years ‘Mania, would be the ones to step up to the plate (though Triple H in a Samurai outfit should’ve been a heavy contender).
While the presentation of The New Day was fantastic, the choice in jobs for Big E, Kofi, and Xavier Woods were very obviously based off of the upcoming expansion, rather than the job that best suits their heart of hearts. So what FFXIV job would each member of The New Day have if I, someone completely disconnected from the world of wrestling with a vague idea of who any of them are, were in charge?
KOFI – MONK
Other than showmanship, the core of Professional Wrestling is pugilism, hand-to-hand combat. While all sorts of makeshift weapons end up in the ring, most fights live and die by the execution of this most basic form of attack.
Out of all three members of The New Day Kofi has been in the world of wrestling for the longest, starting way back on the independent circuit in the mid 2000’s. In that time, Kofi has built up a large moveset of kicks and punches that help him along the way. In Final Fantasy XIV, Monk is entirely based on kicks and punches, so, yeah, it would make sense that Kofi would be a Monk. As the core damage dealer, Kofi will be using those Bootshines and Snap Punches and, given the troupe’s past experiences with Dragon Ball, I wouldn’t be too surprised to see him firing a few energy bursts either.
BIG E – WARRIOR
While Big E joined the WWE in 2009, he was, at the same time, spending some time at USA Powerlifting meetups. This experience powerlifting, where he made personal records of up to an 800 pound Deadlift, would make Warrior, a class focused on effortlessly wielding a heavy axe around, seem like the perfect fit. Other than that, Warriors are famous for their high damage dealing counts, unusually high for a tank. Given The New Day are a tag-team group, the role of tank fitting into the mix to let the more damage-oriented members of the group get in easier works well.
On top of these hard hitting reasons, most Warriors end up leveling Pugilist up to get moves to help improve their fighting capability. Again, I’ve thought this through, and you can’t argue with my opinions here.
XAVIER WOODS – BARD
This one’s a gimme.
The most important part of being a Professional Wrestler is performance, and Xavier Woods is an incredible performer. Even outside of the WWE, Xavier Woods runs a Lets Play channel, which, in itself, is a form of performance art. In the ring though, is where Woods makes the most compelling case for being a Bard.
While Wrestlemania saw Woods belt out the Final Fantasy victory fanfare music out of his trombone, experienced wrestling fans know that this wasn’t the first time this happened. At multiple events in the past, Woods has pulled out his trombone to use either in celebration, or to taunt opposing wrestlers. While Bards in FFXIV don’t exactly taunt enemies, their songs provide both reduction of enemy defenses, and revitalization for weary teammates. Translating this to the world of wrestling, Xavier Woods’ ability to taunt using music puts opponents off-guard, while giving his teammates the encouragement to keep on fighting.
Also again, Bards end up having to level pugilist, so yeah, this is like, basic stuff people c’mon.
Ultimately, this advertisement was poorly thought out, shame on you Square Enix and shame on you WWE for not considering every angle of this like I have. Maybe by the time the next Final Fantasy expansion comes out you can realize what we all really want to see is John Cena wearing cat ears.