So, the last few days at E3 may have been a bit sloppy, but today’s so chock-full of content, it couldn’t possibly get worse than this weekend, right? Right?? (Microsoft was good though!)

Hey, last chance to avoid viewing true suffering – go look at some nice wholesome games!

Verizon (“Gaming for good”)

5G gaming will revolutionize mobile gaming, or so Verizon says. In what way? That’s not important! But during the presentation Verizon specifically marked developers and esports teams specifically for Verizon-sponsored projects. They brought out Derwin James, Free Safety for the LA Chargers (one of the least successful NFL franchises in the league) to talk about Verizon’s Super Bowl Fortnite map. This doesn’t matter to anyone, anywhere other than the people on stage and some shareholders somewhere, but the E3 presentation isn’t overly loud or offensive so I can’t be too mad. I’m here to be advertised to. Big ups to the Verizon crew for spending a large portion of their presentation talking about building mentorships and scholarships for women in esports and professional gamescasting.

Intellivision

Intellivision is jumping back into the console world with Intellivision Amico which is a WiiU-styled handheld plus console hybrid specifically positioned for families with young children. The games announced on it look like one of those plug n’ play TV consoles, with asteroids styled games and whatnot. But the controller has an interesting design to it in the same way that home-karaoke systems usually have a wacky controller with them. Even if this is some kind of huge miss, hey it’ll be a funky collectible piece later!

Take-Two Interactive

Take-two and 2K hosted a panel featuring organizations like Girls Make Games, Gay Gaming Professionals, as well as groups like USC and Private Division to talk about initiatives they are making to help bridge gaps of inequity within gaming. Gordon Bellamy of GGP at one point shouted “We are the batter, not the frosting!” and I really enjoyed that line. This ain’t games advertising, but this was way better than anything I thought I was asking for from something called the “Take-Two Interactive Panel”. The right people in the right room on a big stage!

Mythical Games

[VIDEO DESTROYED FOR REASONS OF TASTE]

The Blankos vinyl-toy game website says: “WE ARE CREATING UNIVERSAL ECONOMIES DRIVEN BY PLAYER OWNERSHIP. WE BELIEVE THAT TRUE OWNERSHIP OF DIGITAL ASSETS, VERIFIABLE SCARCITY, AND INTEGRATED SECONDARY MARKETS ARE THE FUTURE OF GAMES.” so fuck them. Private ownership is theft, and these people are in the business of scamming children. I will go Iron Sheik on this crew; break their back, and make them humble.

Indie Showcase

Renee Gittens of the IGDA hosted another group-panel speaking with a small selection of indie game developers. Normally, this would be a nice refreshing break from E3’s AAA-heavy content, but I found the discussion dangerously reductive and coming from a privileged headspace. I want to push against the IGDA advocating for hustle culture, financial risk, and ‘passion-driven development’. Especially since that nearly lead to panelist Edmund McMillan’s destitution multiple times. The IGDA has been very successful under new leadership the last few years moving away from the boys-club AAA-wishing mentality it used to have a decade ago and building a more diverse community and diverse selection of events for all types around the world, but there is still more work to be done if the IGDA wants to be seen as an equitable organization advocating for indie developers, and this showcase proved that.

After the panel, they showed a selection of IGDA-curated trailers in rapid succession, but speaking about any one of the games as I’d like to probably wouldn’t end up being very professional. The kindest thing I could say about them is that they’d probably be right at home on the Intellivision Amico. It was a presentation that looked like the rejected options from the other indie showcases. The un-cool kids table, as Elvie very fairly put it.

Freedom Games

GAMES! This tiny, brand new publisher got into the E3 conference! Good for them. And they showcased some games when people were desperately asking for something good! Here’s a list:

• Dreamscaper
• Airborne Kingdom
• Coromon
• Cat Cage Manager
• To The Rescue
• Slaughter League

Maybe one of these names appeals or looks cool to you? For me, after the previous couple of days, they seem very uninspired and un-challenging. Freedom Games is managing a selection of the whitest male-est indie games you could think of. That said, I asked for games, and this little crew gave some games that I can suppose people will play, and that’s at least the bare minimum! Anyways, let’s continue lower the bar:

VENN presents: Origin Stories with Hector Martinez

I want to be critical about a vanity talk show for the dudebro-est pro gamers talking about celebrities they’ve met, but NRG owner and pro CoD player, Hector Martinez, is a charming host. The presentation of the show isn’t overproduced or trying too hard, and the spotlight interview we were shown with 100 Thieves owner, Matthew Haag, is produced to be fast and engaging. Nobody cares though. This is when the E3 channel on Twitch finally dipped below 100k viewers, hemorrhaging about 20% of the entire viewing audience over 20 minutes. Folks are completely done with E3 being completely disconnected from games in any real way and have lost faith in the ESA’s production. Not even gamer-to-the-gamers, Nadeshot making cusses and referencing Justin Beiber can bring them back. I was a bit entertained, but nobody cares one bit.

Limited Run Games

ARE YOU READY? You know what you are getting, you don’t need me editorializing this one (and I’m really tired at this point, thank you for your patience)

Physical Releases coming soon for:

• Zombies Ate My Neighbors/Ghoul Patrol (Switch)
• SuperHot (PS4/Switch)
• Double Dragon/Kunio-kun Collection (PS4/Switch)
• River City Girls (PS5)
• River City Girls Zero (Switch) (Though important to note this is simply just a re-titling of the fourth game of the Kunio-kun series!)
  
• River City Girls 2 (All consoles)
• Strife Veteran Edition (Switch)
• Shantae: all of em, technical name (PS5)
• Bloodrayne Betrayal Remaster (PS4/Switch)
• Haven (Switch/PS4/5)
• SkateBird (Switch)
• Huntdown (Switch)
• Axiom Verge 2 (PS4/5/Switch)
• The Takeover (PS4/Switch)
• Dusk (Switch)
• République (PS4/PSVR/Switch)
• Going Under (PS4/Switch)
• One Step From Eden (PS4/Switch)
• RWBY: Grimm Eclipse (Switch)
• Retromania Wrestling (PS4/Switch)
• Castlevania Requiem: Symphony of the Night + Rondo of Blood (PS4)
• Castlevania: Rondo of Blood (Turbo Duo)
• Contra Anniversary (PS4/Switch)
• Plumbers Don’t Wear Ties (Switch/PS4/5/PC)
  

Capcom

Capcom announced nothing. Let me help you understand this as I say it again: CAPCOM ANNOUNCED NOTHING, AT E3. So after an incredibly hot fire year that definitely has had no bad moments or rough speed bumps you’d think they’d be ready for a great show with announcements of the properties they’ve been developing over the last few years. They did not, and that’s because every company has no faith in E3. It’s not even that they just have no faith that E3 can survive into 2022, but many companies like Capcom are simply playing nice with the ESA so they can hold their spot for future shows. This is why every presentation looks so cheaply put together and doesn’t announce anything. No faith, no reason, and no pressure from the abysmally pathetic ESA. Anyways, let’s talk Capcom’s E3 2021 lineup:

Resident Evil: Village uhh did you know this was out? I sure did, and it was a decent game! But this sure isn’t the place for old games, and so folks were Big Mad seeing this. We also already knew that the multiplayer mode, Resident Evil RE:Verse, is going to be out in a few days. They couldn’t even get it to come out today and get people playing, so great work all around everyone.

Monster Hunter Stories 2: Wings of Ruin is a new game and would be a good announcement for folks if this weren’t the fifth different trailer we’ve seen and SECOND TIME THIS WEEK. This trailer had a crying lady. I still think it’s a cute looking game and am happy to see it! The demo comes out on June 25th. (You missed by a week again, Capcom!!) As a little sprinkle on top though, they did show the Monster Hunter Rise roadmap for the next year of development. HOWEVER, the announcement they brought was that they were doing collabs with themselves. Wings of Ruin characters will be added to Monster Hunt Rise! Isn’t that great? It’s like they announced adding Luigi to the Mario game– we know, you dorks! Not really a reason to buy into the DLC and not newsworthy in any way, when it would’ve been greatly appreciated right now. PLEASE just ONE PERSON please surprise us. I’m begging here!

The final announcement Capcom had was for The Great Ace Attorney Chronicles, which comes out next month on July 24th. We’re looking forward to this so much, and although it isn’t set in America this time, it will still bring so much culture coming from England with the ever-elusive Herlock Sholmes teaming up with Phoenix’s ancestor Ryunosuke Naruhodo. During the new trailer, we got to see the jury throwing some hot fireballs at the scales of justice to delegate their votes which is really engaging and fun. The details that were shown in this new trailer were substantial and almost thawed our frozen and decaying hearts as we are technically now six hours into the proceedings. Well, it almost did until–

Razer

So, funny story about Razer. Actually, it’s not funny, it’s really kinda sad. Every Razer product I’ve bought since 2009 was overpriced, poorly designed, and broke very quickly. I’ve tried keyboards, headphones, mice and even the big gamer mousepads after really liking the $13 razer mouse I got in 2009. Only disappointment. Today’s presentation was exactly as expected. Here’s the details:

• Razer Blade 14 gamer laptop – AMD powered, 14” – $1,799 up to $2,799

For the gamer who settles for less, but pays the most.

• Razer GaN Charger for up to four different usb devices – $179

GaN charging seems like neat technology! Avoid Razer.

• Razer Raptor 27 gamer display – $799

It tilts straight up to look at the sky and scream why

Raptor 27 has RGB lights in the base that you cannot get rid of

Does not include a +$99 adapter to connect it to a multi-display mount for freaks

• Project Hazel

Hey remember that meme Razer mask with the RGB? I guess it was a ‘joke’ before because today’s announcement is that it’s Real and coming out in ~8 months. One of the planet’s worst horrors is on its way out of America due to vaccinations; however, it’s very on brand for Razer to be announcing old technology, late into the cycle, for an audience that is basically rich people who just buy the first thing that shows up on Newegg and Amazon. Anyway here’s the incredibly epic gamer details that made me laugh incredulously to end E3 today. (No Price Given, HAH)

• • Replaceable N95 filters (no price listed)
  • Secure Silicon Mouth seal (oral pleasure)
  • Clear transparent face design (accessibility-first design for mouth lookers)
  • Interior lighting for your mouth (gamer mouth lookers)
  • Anti-fog coating (KEEP LOOKING INTO MY MOUTH)
  • Project Hazel filter on Instagram and tag @Razer (Cross branding promotion synergy!)
  • 1st drop is in Q4 2021 (I can almost assure there won’t be a 2nd)
    

Hi Scott! Looking good, and thanks for wearing a mask!

We did it! We survived Day 5 of E3 2021! They say no news is good news, and yet here I am suffering. Now I need a stiff beer, or maybe I’ll settle down by watching how the rest of the Video Game Choo Choo crew “enjoyed” the day on the Twitch channel!