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Geoff Keighley’s Summer Game Fest has come and gone, and with it some big news, big premieres, and an entire two hours of making Elden Ring perverts sit and sweat with anticipation. The show itself was not unlike The Game Awards, with Keighley’s particular way of building up hype for videos of games (with mixed results) interspersed with quick interviews with in-person guests and “interviews” with pre-recorded videos of guests unable to make it for one reason or another. Overall, the presentation was another Keighley affair, and while there were no awards to divvy out this time, I’ve got some choice words for a few of the titles showcased during Keighley’s Summertime Geoffboree.
Tiny Tina’s Wonderlands – by Scott
The very first thing on the docket at Geoff Keighley’s Summer Fuckfest was the always disappointing Gearbox, which somehow still exists despite CEO Randy Pitchford tarnishing it’s reputation with his various crimes. On top of that, it also continues to produce the Borderlands games, which are bad. Despite all this, they went ahead and announced Tiny Tina’s Wonderland anyways, a game that stars a character that has been repeatedly lambasted for her use of AAVE which comes across as a touch racist. Reportedly, they cut down on this particularly awful writing trope by the time Tiny Tina’s Assault on Dragon Keep came out, the piece of DLC content that this game is attempting to expand upon. However, I have no idea if this is true or now, since by the time it came out, I had given up on Borderlands entirely.
Tinan Wonderworld features an all-star cast of acting and comedy talent which, I’m assuming, Gearbox hopes will somehow elevate their house style of terminally awful writing into something palatable. I have nothing bad to say about the featured cast of actors; Andy Samberg, Wanda Sykes, Will Arnett, and Ashley Burch. Some people think Andy Samberg is a goon but he’s married to Joanna Newsom, America’s greatest harpist and Kate Bush impersonator, so frankly he’s fine by me.
Tiny Tina’s Wonderland is set to come out early 2022.
Metal Slug Tactics – by Spencer
I’ve never been big into Metal Slug myself, but the franchise has always been a masterclass in impeccably detailed and gorgeously animated spritework. As someone who loves isometric tactical RPGs, seeing Metal Slug Tactics as one of the first showcases had me excited for a game I could really sink my teeth into, and that phenomenal sprite work on the battlefields shown were a sight to behold.
Death Stranding Director’s Cut – by Scott
Hideo Kojima decided to come on Geoff’s Wet And Wild Summer Slip ‘n Slide to promote his favorite things: accurately predicting the future and 9/11. After that, he showed a trailer for his new game, Death Stranding. Except this time there’s at least one scene in it where the music from Metal Gear Solid 2 hits and Norman Reedus (played by actor Sam Porter Bridges) considers getting inside a box. I won’t spoil whether or not he gets inside a box, but this does harken back to older Kojima titles where his protagonist would frequently get inside of boxes. It’s truly a hootin’ and hollerin’ moment and you do, in fact, love to see it. No official word on when the Director’s Cut is coming out but it will be available on Playstation 5.
Jurassic World Evolution 2 – by Spencer
Probably one of the weirdest appearances for Summer Game Fest was Jeff Goldblum showing up to poke fun at how Geoff Keighley’s first name is spelled, but the awkward non-conversation ended with a showcase of Frontier Developments’ Jurassic World Evolution 2. The only new hint we got in the trailer was the addition of aquatic lifeforms, so for those who were wanting another Jurassic Park-themed management sim, this one will probably be just the thing.
Lost Ark – by Spencer
As an MMO player, I am tentatively intrigued by the western release of Lost Ark, a Korean MMO with a top-down perspective. I’m hesitant to draw comparisons to Diablo if only because the game looks visually brighter and more varied in its locales. The game has been out since 2018 in South Korea, and I’m looking forward to seeing how Lost Ark is received by western audiences.
Among Us Update – by Scott
Next up on the Summer Geoff Fest was an extremely quick update from the Among Us developers InnerSloth about new content coming to their game. It was in fact way too quick and had a bunch of information and I forgot most of it by now so here goes: with Hide and Seek being a common community variant of traditional Among Us games, it is now finally getting its own proper game made. The game will also include the ability to create 15 person lobbies, which would definitely help populate really large maps such as the relatively new Airship. They confirmed they are working on a new map, but they could not show anything about it except for a button which is kind of funny. InnerSloth briefly mentioned new roles for crewmates such as the Sheriff, a role in other typical social deduction games for being able to take out an imposter without needing a group consensus, as well as a Scientist role. On top of the new gameplay improvements and variants, Among Us will also get a bunch of new cosmetic items too. I think that’s everything. Like the sussy bakas that they are, InnerSloth did not give any release window for the new content. But if you don’t want to be the imposter in your group, you need to pick up Among Us today!!!
Salt & Sacrifice – by Spencer
Salt & Sacrifice is the next title coming from Ska Studios, and it looks similar to 2016’s Salt & Sanctuary, hence the name. Though it looks similar to its predecessor, the visual effects are more exciting and who doesn’t love to see Mage Devoured show up on screen. I enjoyed Salt & Sanctuary well enough, and I’m thinking I should go back and play it again. I’m definitely looking forward to more side-scrolling soulsborne action wherein I can gnaw on the bones of magic-users.
Two Point Campus – by Scott
The mad lads who made Two Point Hospital gone and done it again and made Two Point Campus. It’s just like Two Point Hospital but they did it on a college campus instead of a hospital. You don’t get shit like that anywhere else!!! Two Point Campus is coming 2022.
Stranger Things and Smite Crossover – by Scott
Look out Eleven! The Stanger Things are back and they’re killing all the best Smite champions! Only Hooper with his cool guns can save us. What’s this? 11 is lifting up a car with psychic powers and getting a nosebleed? Sounds like she just saw one hot babe!!! Talk about being a sussy baka!!! That’s so epic. I don’t know when this is coming out, I didn’t look.
Prime Matter Announces Future Lineup – by Spencer
Prime Matter took Keighley’s Summer Fun Fest as the opportunity to debut as a new games publisher, with the announcement also revealing that a new Painkiller game is in the works. Their lineup will include Payday 3, Gungrave G.O.R.E., King’s Bounty II, The Last Oricru, Encased, Dolmen, Project: Echoes of the End, Scars Above, and Crossfire: Legion, as well as two working titles in The Chant and Final Form. Not much to say on Prime Matter outside of “Watch Out,” but there you go.
The Anacrusis – by Spencer
Far out in the black The Anacrusis is a ship finding itself in a real Left 4 Dead situation. Touting four-player co-op, hordes of enemies, 60’s retrofuturistic veneer, and the sometimes-charming, sometimes-eye-rolling banter between characters, The Anacrusis looks like it’ll scratch that itch for those who’ve wanted more few-against-many shooting games with a more colorful, bizarre backdrop.
Vampire: The Masquerade – Bloodhunt – by Spencer
If battle royales are more your speed in the “fighting lots of other enemies” genre, Vampire: The Masquerade – Bloodhunt, might be just the thing for you. I still haven’t gone back to Bloodlines from 2004 after getting supremely freaked out in that derelict hotel, and unfortunately for me this battle royale is another one with a time limit. It really is too much to ask any battle royale game to have an endless mode where every match culminates in two players having to track each other down for literal hours to kill each other, huh.
House of Ashes – by Scott
Jeff’s Wet Hot Summer continued with the latest entry in The Dark Pictures Anthology created by Supermassive Games, who are famous for making Until Dawn: Rush Of Blood. In this creepy funhouse epic, you play a platoon of soldiers stationed in Iraq committing war crimes and exploiting a foriegn nation for its natural resources. But then the ground opens up under you and wouldn’t you know it, there’s a big ol’ tomb full of monsters. I absolutely hate it when I’m occupying foriegn soil and get swallowed up by mystical magical underground tombs. It really makes you wonder, am I the monster or is it the monsters? House of Ashes unequivocally says the monsters are the monster and asks if you want to save this platoon using the most powerful mechanic in video games: choices. Here’s my choice: to not buy the game!!!!!!! House of Ashes comes out on PS4, Xbox One, PC, PS5, and Xbox Series X/S on 10/22/21.
Planet of Lana – by Spencer
Planet of Lana looked just as incredible, though its art style is more traditional: hand-painted scenery and stunning animations make for a great combination when paired with a side-scrolling, puzzle adventure game in the same vein as Playdead’s Inside. I’m absolutely looking forward to the weird cat, bunny, void creatures shown in the trailer, and I hope they go completely feral on the Weird Eye-Robots from Space.
Tales of Arise – by Spencer
Though we didn’t get any huge information, Tales of Arise was featured with a new trailer and new characters. I particularly liked the hooded Vergil Man with the long katana, and some of the combat footage showcased what I have to assume are this game’s equivalent of dual mystic artes, with characters combining their various combat disciplines into devastating attacks. Tales of Arise still looks good, and I’m looking forward to playing it later this year.
Dark Alliance: Dungeons & Dragons – by Scott
Sexy Geoff’s Summer Blowout continued with a gameplay demo featuring the games criminal Geoff Keighley playing alongside Tuque Games founder Jeff Hattem, landlord Hannibal Buress, and professional wrestling person Ember Moon. Ember Moon mentioned she styled her in-ring persona after Drizzt Do’Urden, a character that features in the Forgotten Realms setting. It was really cute and nice. The game comes out in like uhhh a couple days?
Monster Hunter Stories 2: Wings of Ruin – by Spencer
Monster Hunter Stories 2: Wings of Ruin will arrive on Nintendo Switch next month, and while I’m more of an older Monster Hunter fan at this point (but not super old like the Freedom Unite folks), the Stories titles is good for those who couldn’t get into Monster Hunter’s particular gameplay but still want a monster-collecting game to check out. The more stylized art looks particularly good and the adaptation of classic monster designs like Rathalos is always a treat to see.
Wave Break – by Scott
In the year of our lord, 2021, Weezer debuted a new song that was apparently copyright friendly and totally cool for streamers to use like if they really wanted to over a bunch of footage of a game called Wave Break. It apparently comes out tomorrow. Weezer hasn’t been good for years so it was especially daunting to see them occupy what I consider a safe space: within the loving embrace of Geoffrey “The Keymaster” Keighley. The song was bad. There’s nothing we can do about this. Our thoughts and hopes are immaterial compared to what Weezer will do next. I will defeat them.
Fall Guys and NieR:Automata Crossover – by Scott
Imagine my horror, knowing that a trailer for a new Fall Guys costume is coming up, thinking “oh this will be nothing I don’t have to write about this,” and seeing the beautiful visage of everyone’s favorite sad android babe 2B skinned alive over the form of one of those horrible bean monsters. 2Bean is real and it drives me to drink. I love and respect her and I wish her the best of luck in the Fall Guys competition even if I can’t be with her. 2Bean will be a playable skin in Fall Guys on June 18th.
Tribes of Midgard – by Spencer
Another title on the way is Tribes of Midgard, a top-down survival action game with a cute aesthetic and Big Mans you have to slay. Several games have leaned into Norse mythology for what seems like years now, with aesthetic choices to match that I haven’t been fully fond of, but Tribes of Midgard genuinely looks like the first Norse-inspired game I’m looking forward to since Skyrim.
Evil Dead: The Game – by Scott
Bruce Campbell is back and you can play him in Evil Dead: The Game, which showed off a new trailer at Fat Geoff’s Discount Games Emporium. Despite Bruce noticeably phoning in his entire voiceover, The Game manages to look like a decent 4v1 style asymmetric multiplayer game where several heroes need to complete a bunch of objectives in order, except whatever Dead By Daylight style monsters are in Evil Dead. Instead of going for the standard Friday the 13th/Dead By Daylight style approach, the survivor characters are participating in active combat with cool melee attacks and third person shooting. Potentially looks fun, I would definitely try this out, even as someone who’s not particularly interested in anything Evil Dead related. The Game (Evil Dead: The Game that is) is set to come out later this year.
Elden Ring – by Scott
You got a weird goat horse that can JUMP. You can summon it when the fuck ever!!! All the enemy designs look so rich and detailed and they’re all extremely fucked up!!! I’m crying. I love this. They made this for me. All the environments look so sickly and fucked up and really big I want to explore them!!! I want to see a huge fake golden tree looming over me!!!
I don’t particularly care for George R.R. Martin or his writing and from what I understand, his role was just to write some backstory about the world and some characters. Honestly, I bet his work was negligible to the amount of writing the rest of their team did otherwise and it was just enough to slap his name on the box for normies who somehow don’t know what Dark Souls is at this point which is like… nobody.
It’s got it all!!! It’s got magic, it’s got curved swords, it’s got Berserk references, it’s got mysterious cubes that you use to summon people, it’s got dodge rolling, it’s got dudes with inordinately large amounts of limbs. A dragon wielded lightning!!! That’s how you know this isn’t the Dark Souls world, baby, this is something new. It’s got nude men, it’s got guys who are doing meticulous study in weird suits of armor, it might even have a poison swamp. Who knows! We’ll all know on 1/21/22 on PS4, PS5, Xbox One, Xbox Series X/S, and PC. Thank you. I’m sorry for writing this. I love this.
among usDark Alliance: Dungeons & DragonsDeath Strandinge3e3 2021elden ringEvil Dead: The Gamefall guysHouse of AshesJurassic world evolution 2Lost ArkMetal Slug TacticsMonster Hunter Stories 2: Wings of RuinNier AutomataPainkillerPlanet of LanaSalt & Sacrificesmitetales of ariseThe AnacrusisTiny Tina's WonderlandTribes of MidgardTwo Point CampusVampire: The Masquerade - BloodhuntWave Break
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Boys...do this!!! And girls...do this!!!!
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The indie publishers are coming together like some kind of COLLECTIVE? AGAIN? That means looots of games holy smokes.