The Rat, the Laser, and the Holy Gib.
Every so often, a news story will drop that’s so potent my hands tremble as I write it up. Sometimes, it’s genuinely amazing news like an Undertale collector’s edition. Most of the time, however, it’s in the same realm as a new Bubsy game: something so cosmically stupid and mindbogglingly misguided that it could only appeal to a select set of the worst people in games journalism. This story belongs to the latter category.
John Cena is in talks with Paramount to play Duke Nukem.
The story is scant. According to the Hollywood Reporter, one of wrestling’s biggest names is continuing his acting career by portraying the blonde-haired, blustering action “hero” on the big screen. The film, apparently titled Duke Nukem, is being produced by Michael Bay’s company, Platinum Dunes. That’s all we know. But really, it’s all we need to.
Platinum Dunes, mostly known for The Purge and remakes of films such as Friday The 13th, is apparently trying to muscle into the video game adaptation vacuum left by Resident Evil’s conclusion last year. The Hollywood Reporter story calls Duke Nukem a “star vehicle” for John Cena, which is a generous statement – the way things have been going for Duke, he needs this film more than Cena does.
That being said, does anyone really need this film? Absolutely not, but Duke Nukem will likely happen anyway. Embrace it. The universe is granting us a gift, and I need to pray to whatever dark gods conspired to make it happen.
Check out Duke’s finest moment below with the E3 2008 trailer for The Duke Nukem Trilogy: